Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Letting a Man be a Man

I just read an interesting article on Madame Noire Called "How to Let a Man Be a Man". The article advises that women need to:
  • Let him pay for dates
  • Let him be a gentleman (if he is one)
  • Let him initiate contact
  • Let him propose marriage
  • Let him be who he is
I have read these things before and I agree with them. However, on YouTube and the web MANY of the Black men don't seem to want to do the first three points! They complain that we don't know how to let them be men, but many of them, even the ones that seem nice, say that we should not expect them to do these things! I must note that I am only noticing this with Black men and I don't hear these things from men of other races (who probably have other flaws).

When it comes to dating, I've heard many men complain that they want to go Dutch for the first date and it's too expensive for them to pay for every first date. Others complain that since we wanted feminism, they don't have to be chivalrous anymore and we are getting what we wanted. They don't feel the need to be more delicate or gentle with us (especially when we say we are strong and independent) and would never open a door for us. Just today I saw a video of a man complaining that women are not approaching him or complimenting him and was pleased that two White women did! 

This is infuriating because they are complaining about not being treated like men but they won't be men! I think we have different definitions of what a man does. They seem to be saying (especially in marriage) that the man is the leader and the head of the household who makes the final decisions and he is supposed to be the provider. THAT'S IT! A lot of them sound like spoiled children who just want to get their own way and think that because they are men they have some divine ability to make the best decisions! The funny thing about these men is that they sound more old fashioned than most women but they don't act like old fashioned gentlemen! Maybe it's just me, but I find it scary that they define their role based on power and control over women. It's interesting that I've been looking at online dating profiles and a lot of the White men actually list independence as a quality they look for in women and state they are looking for a partner and best friend...interesting isn't it?

My definition of a husband does not include any of that. For me, the man is my partner who has the qualities I mentioned in my earlier post "Why are Black Women Frustrated with Men". If he wants to be "the provider" then obviously he needs to earn more than me so that's why I want someone who earns more. I am looking for a partnership and (I don't care what anyone says) from my training I have learned that people can come up with compromises. I challenge anyone to come up with a situation where there a decision has to be made between two EQUAL choices, both partners want a choice to the SAME DEGREE, and there are no possible compromises. If you gather enough facts and weigh how much you really want something, you will come up with a choice or someone will give up. So, he can make many decisions, especially if he is special knowledge or history with such decisions, but for important things there has to be a discussion and I will not accept him just putting his foot down and saying "This is the way it's going to be because I said so". 

Furthermore, many men complain that successful educated women don't give them a chance. Well, maybe these women are looking for someone who is willing and ABLE to pay for dates and provide for them. How can they be providers when they can't afford it and the woman is providing more? She wants to provide a good life for her children and she can estimate whether he can provide that or not. We don't want to change the men, so we would rather find someone who meets our standards. I wish I could find a man willing to do the things on this list. Hopefully there are some out there.

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