Monday, October 1, 2012

Are Women in Competition?

Dating and self-promotion "Self promotion begins with the basic product for sale - you. If it is no good, no one will buy into it. You may be able to fool the odd one or two but that's about it. So the first step has to be to sort out your product and make sure it is as appealing as possible. Whilst I get lots of comments about how one has matured and is able to look below the surface, the surface is the first thing we encounter so it needs to be presentable." I'm definitely not the first to think about dating and marriage using business models! You should really read this article!
I am agnostic. That means I am highly skeptical about the existence of God and I am not religious in any way. That means I do not believe that if I am a good person then someone out there will send me the good things that I want. I do not believe my praying or wishing for things will make them happen for me. I do not believe that the universe will give me what I desire. I do believe that if I want things then I have to decide to do something to make those things happen. Notice I said I have to DO SOMETHING.

The problem is that the things I want are not easy to get (at least not for me). It takes a great effort and a lot of time to have a great career. It takes a lot of effort to make and keep friends. It also takes a great effort to be in the right places to be asked out by men, to be well behaved enough to not get dumped because of one's behaviour (sometimes it just happens not due to anything the woman did), and to get along with a man in order to have a lasting relationship. In all of these cases I don't think I can just sit back and expect all of these things to happen without any effort from myself.

Furthermore, it's not as though there are enough great careers out there for everyone who wants them. That's why we compete to be the best, know the right people, and present ourselves best during interviews...we are competing with other people for the same jobs. There are only so many hours in a day for your friends to spend with you so in a way, you have to compete for their attention by making plans to see them, calling them, and staying on their radar. You should all be making an effort in this regards. But if your friend is always the one contacting you and you make no effort they may think you don't care and start spending time with other friends. Maintaining friendships takes effort or they may fade.

This brings me to the man issue. Every woman wants a good man who will love only her. They also want someone who has the qualities they want (e.g., good looking, kind, good provider, wants kids, believes in marriage, single etc.). Well I don't think there are enough perfect guys out there for every woman who wants one mainly because perfect guys don't exist and those who are close to perfect are not as common as those with major flaws. Plus, because of personality differences you might not get along with a seemingly perfect guy. On top of that in Western societies it is still the norm for men to pursue women so all a woman can do is  be present and attractive in settings where potential dates can ask her out. So a woman can make an effort to be attractive and be seen by men. In these settings men have their pick and they want the best woman they can get so THEY WILL COMPARE YOU TO OTHER WOMEN! Many even rank women before deciding to approach or date you! So no, I do not want to be in competition with other women but I am because men are comparing us. If I was the only woman on a deserted island with 5 guys then they would be competing for me and I could sit back and make no effort (or at least not repulse them all by my appearance and behaviour). But that's not my reality.

I am a realist and I accept the reality that men are the pursuers and they will compare me to other women before asking me out or becoming monogamous. This means I am in competition with the other women he could choose. So if I want that man I have to look and behave in a way that makes me more appealing than the other women. I want a man and I will do what I need to do (within reason while being ladylike) to attract and keep the one I want. In the past (and even in many places today) this endeavor used to be the most important thing in women's lives! From a young age they learned skills and were groomed to be good wives but now we look down on that! Don't kid yourself by thinking this is unfair because men are also trained from a young age to be good husbands and highly masculine. Seriously I do not understand women nowadays who don't get this! Do you live under a rock? How can you not think you are in competition with other women? Maybe it's vanity or something and you think Mr. Right will just magically appear and choose you despite letting yourself go and your nasty, argumentative attitude but whatever. I have no time for those daydreams.

I'm not going to argue with men about what they should look for in a woman, how wrong it is to rank us, or why they are wrong for being attracted to certain women. This is RIDICULOUS and USELESS behaviour that many women are serious about, especially on women's issue/feminist blogs. It really makes women look insane trying to tell men what they should want. If men are attracted to beautiful and sexually attractive women then your trying to convince them to ignore those things is not only arrogant, but useless because we have little mental control over who we find physically attractive. Plus, I'm sure if a woman is beautiful but horrible many men would give her up once they learned the truth. They have to learn if they can get along with you, they won't be sure of this just looking at you. This "he should like me only for my personality" stuff has to end. He can like you for whatever reason he wants and you can't control that! You can only dump him if you don't like his reasons. The same goes for women because we can like men for whatever reason we want. Let people like what they like instead of using rationalization, shame, guilt, or something else to convince them their preferences are wrong. That's just useless and annoying. You just have to be attractive, you can't convince someone of that, they have to see that for is cheap.

As usual, you can do what you want, don't compete if you don't want to :)

Related Articles:
Yes women do compete for men
The game theory of female competition
Romance is dead: reflections on today's dating scene (yes, there is research studying the ways women compete for men)."Related to this issue of competition is that many women try to determine what potential rivals are doing so that they can be unique, but not too unique as to become freakish. The majority of women I've talked to undertake considerable effort to think about their rivals, and what they will be facing in terms of competition."
Dating dish: self-promotion
Women use Facebook to compete for men


  1. Honey you speak the truth. Not many people are going to like it because most people, especially women, can't handle the truth. I remember when women would make a lot of effort to look attractive so that they can attract a good mate, I also remember when men would compete with other men by trying to be more financially successful than the other so that they can attract a good mate. Now all that has changed.
    Now men want women to accept them the way they are; broke, poor, lazy and ungentlemanly pfft!
    And women are getting fatter and dressing disgustingly and they sit around saying that men should love them for their personality and not their looks!!
    Where is all this nonsense coming from? I blame feminism.

    Clearly the modern woman is delusional. They walk around boasting about their degrees and success and look down on women who want a more traditional role like mother and good wife and they wonder why good men aren't chasing after them with their degrees and high profile careers. Then when they get into there mid to late thirties, they start complaining on TV and just about anywhere they can run their mouth, as to why they can't find a good men and they spew out rubbish like "Men are intimidated my strong successful women". I honestly feel really bad for these delusional women. The mating game is very simple, there is nothing complex about it. Men are attracted to young, women of child bearing age who look attractive and have a nice attitude. And women are attracted to men who have resources. No woman wants a man who is broke and cannot support her and her offspring. It's that simple. When will they get it??

    Sorry didn't mean to rant on your blog but I think that too many woman are fooling themselves thinking that men should want them even when they let themselves go. They need to wake up and smell the coffee.

  2. Good post!

    When someone is saying that "they should like me for who I am" meme, it tells me the person is clearly dating out of their league.

    When a woman says this, it tells me that she has gotten the dating world all backwards. Women are the buyers; men should be convincing us why we should grant them our divine and precious time.

    This may sound weird, but since high school I have trained myself to not have crushes, or if I find a man attractive, I know how to keep it at just that and not day dream and pine away at the thought of him liking me too.

    Why is this? Well, it's highly likely that hey may not find me attractive, and think of how it looks when you pine after someone who doesn't like you. Think of how Jennifer Love-Hewitt made a public declaration for Adman Levine and he pretty much ignored her. Embarrassing!

    I also want it to appear, as it should be, not only in appearance, that I am highly sought after and men are always pursuing me, never the other way around.

    If you have a crush ladies, keep it to yourself!

  3. I'm learning so much from you Elegance! :-)

  4. What if you girls decide to be the ones who select guys and compare them with their peers, instead of wating for the very single on who will come to you?