Updates: I Don't Want to Get Married Anymore

Hey Ladies,

I haven't written here in ages. I still love femininity and believe most of what I previously wrote on this blog. But in the past few years my view of men and marriage has dramatically changed. I have to admit, part of the reason for this change was actually the Me Too movement.

What happened you ask? Well all of a sudden high profile men, some who I thought were "nice", turned out to be horrible brutes. So many women were victims. I started to reflect on how men have treated me, including men in my own family. In the past, maybe I blamed myself for certain things but really, many men hurt me and treated me like I was simply there to serve their needs and desires and they didn't care about me. I have written about these things in the before, but Me Too finally woke me up to some hard realizations and things I had been denying.

1) I had been basing my self-worth on whether or not a man chose me and loved me. I started to question my unconscious beliefs. It was like somehow, I couldn't be that bad if some man loved me. But who is he to decide my worth? How could my worth and value be based on whether some man wanted to sleep with me or we got along? What was so great about him that made his opinion and feelings so important? If a mean, mentally ill, cheating, unattractive, or boring woman had a man then why did that mean she had more worth than me? I really never questioned these things before.

It's really shocking when you decide to stop dating and realize that so many daily choices were related to what men would think or want (e.g., shave your legs, wear your hair down, don't get big muscles, don't have a lot of sex partners, don't get too busy, etc). Many negative thoughts I had about my looks boiled down to "a man wouldn't like that". Women have been raised from birth to think about what their future partner would want, but men are never told, "Improve your looks, learn auto mechanics, excel at martial arts or else no woman would want you." No, they just do what they like. I want to be free to be who I want and not care if men approve.
2) Men cheat and abuse, even the "nice ones". It seems like a lot of men (not all) just want a woman as a sex doll and maid. Some ugly pos like Harvey Weinstein has a successful business, a beautiful wife, and the whole time he's raping and ruining women's lives! How dare they do this to us! As soon as he was caught his wife left him. I don't know if she knew anything, but was the money, his personality, or whatever worth it to be with the likes of him??? Are men worth it? This is all my personal opinion, but all I see are potential drawbacks of being married and I think the positives are all short-lived or fairy-tales from romantic comedies. Look at Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, James Franco,  I mean  just look at this list from Vox of offenders! Many of these are married men who were respected and trusted! We let men dictate what's attractive and let the freaking patriarchy tell us from birth that our purpose is to be acceptable to men like this and I'm done with that! I know these are celebrities, but imagine what the non-famous men are doing. All I have to do is remember what they have done to me already. That fairy-tale of men being faithful was shattered because now we know, even the "nice" ones could be cheating or abusing others.
3) Men expect you to be a maid. Study after study has shown that men don't pull their weight with household chores, so my life would be easier and cleaner without one messing up my home and expecting me to clean up after him. If I work just as much as a man, why should I be doing more housework. I cringe wherever I hear a man ask a women if she can cook. You don't even know if you like each other and you're already imaging her serving you food? When I think of marriage I just imagine more housework and arguments about housework.
4) I have never needed men for protection. In all my years, I've never needed a man to protect me from physical danger. Why put up with being a maid and doing other disgusting physical things for a man for the slim chance that maybe one day his presence will stop an attacker. Is it really worth it? Plus, if a woman is ever assaulted or murdered, it is most often their romantic partner? So you are actually safer if you are not in a relationship with a man!
5) Even great relationships can end in horrible divorces. I plan on having kids alone. I will love my kids forever, but romantic love can fade. What if a divorce happens and the man tries to take my kids? I have also heard too many stories of men turning horrible and abusive to their exes and not pulling their weight with kids after divorce. I have enough income to support myself and a kid, and my income will increase in the future. Why ruin a good thing with the stress and physical risk of trying to have a relationship with a man? Why not just have my kids through a sperm bank or adoption and cut the man out of the equation?
6) There's not much that a man can give me that a good friend can't. If I want to go out and have fun I can do that with a friend, I don't have to sleep with him. I don't need to sleep with men at all because they don't even give me orgasms, and even if they did, it still doesn't seem worth it. I could see marriage being great if the man is like your best friend and you actually enjoy each other all the time. But I'm an introvert and I don't enjoy anyone all the time. If I don't have a lot in common with the guy and he likes to do things I don't, it will get tedious pretty fast because we won't be doing much together (e.g., I don't like to travel or play or watch sports, and I don't like hip hop so this rules out a lot of men). I can only imagine being with a man who had the same interests as me, but even then there are still the issues I have already listed above. It really seems impossible that I will find a man who isn't abusive in any way, does his share of household chores, gets along with me like a best friend, and that things won't end with him cheating and a divorce. Plus, I have to be attracted to him and he has to earn enough to support a family (I have a career to support a family too). I just don't think it's possible for me and I don't want to risk what I have for the possibility.
7) I feel 10 times better since I giving up finding a man. I think this means something. No more online dating, rude sexual questions, men trying to trick me into bed, going across town to meet someone in the cold, spending hours getting ready, worrying about ticking clocks etc. It all stopped. I am free to do whatever I want! I can work on hobbies and learn things that I value. I don't have to make myself available when it suits a man. I don't have to deal with them wanting to sleep with me before they decide if they are even looking for a relationship. No more! Everyone is different and this is the best choice for me right now. No one has to get married if they can support themselves and feel happier without a man. I don't believe my reason for existing is to satisfy some man and be his servant. It's not the life for me.

So ladies, I don't know what the future will hold. Maybe I'll meet the right man and change my mind, but if not, I'll definitely be okay. I know I have worth and I like myself, and I really don't care what any man has to say on the matter! Good luck ladies, I wish you all the best and that all of your dreams come true!

xoxoxo, 
Luv

 Elegance

Image by TréVoy Kelly from Pixabay

Wash and Go's for Gorgeous Natural Hair

If you have natural, un-relaxed hair, then wash and go's are a way to have gorgeous, defined, movable hair that you (and everyone else) will love to look at! It has been my go to styling method for at least 3 years. Prior learning about wash and go's, I would do braid outs without gel, I would have to re-braid my hair every night, and by the end of each day I had very little curl definition. But with my current wash and go routine I don't have to braid my hair and I can go A FULL WEEK with defined coils!

The routine can be time consuming on my Sunday wash day, but for the rest of the week I barely have to do anything with my hair. With wash and go's your hair will actually move, blow in the wind, and hang down. My hair is most defined the next day, but as the week goes on it gets bigger and fluffier and I absolutely love it! I also tend to use inexpensive products and I have never been happier with my hair!

I decided to write this because I found a new gel that works so much better for my wash and go's, my hair looks fantastic, and it is so soft. I have no desire for straight hair at all. Natural hair is gorgeous!

My Wash and Go Routine:

1. Co-wash (I usually conditioner wash) or shampoo hair: I wash one half of my head at a time while the other half is in a bun tied with an elastic. This stops my hair from getting too tangled and shrinking, After I wash one half, I put that hair in a bun and do the other half. I usually co-wash with Tresemme moisture and shampoo with Head and Shoulders 2in1.
2. Condition hair: I condition my hair for 3-5 minutes in the shower while my hair is in 2 buns. I don't deep condition outside of the shower (who has time for that?). I use Queen Helene Cholesterol for my conditioner because it's cheap and it works!
3. Detangle: In my room I get ready for the detangling process that usually takes 1 hour. I know some people detangle in the shower, but my hair is so tightly coiled it is just impossible to do that and I would run out of hot water for sure. My detangling routine:
1. Divide hair into a medium sized section. Spray with mixture of water, vegetable glycerine, and apple cider vinegar (the apple cider vinegar preserves the mixture so that it lasts for weeks and it also conditions the hair.
2. Coat the hair with Tresemme conditioner.
3. Use Tangle Teezer for thick curly hair to detangle section. This one is better than the regular versions in my opinion because the bristles don't bend.
4. Important! Squish out as much of the conditioner as possible and squeeze section with a super absorbant microfiber towel. Most gels do not mix with conditioners or leave in conditioners so you will be left with horrible clumps in your hair if you do not remove the conditioner. The only conditioners I have found that mix with gel are Cholesterol conditioners and curl activator lotions like S-Curl.
5. Twist the section to get it out of the way and then move on to the next section.
4. Shingle hair: Untwist a section. Add a lot of Eco Styler Gel to the section and shingle the hair by smoothing down tiny sections of hair to define coils (see video below about how to add gel and shingle hair. Optional: add some extra virgin olive oil to hair before applying gel to each section. This has made my hair so soft and the gel does not dry as hard.). This takes about 45 minutes. Currently I am liking Eco Styler Krystal because it defines my curls all week, despite re-moisturizing, and I don't have to re-apply the gel at all! With the Eco Styler Argon Oil I had to reapply it mid week, and Eco Styler Olive Oil had too strong a hold. I will post a video reviewing each gel below because you may have to try samples before you find the right one. This brand is really inexpensive and I can usually get a big 5 pound bucket for $11 at beauty supply stores in Canada. 
5. Dry hair: Place hair in loose ponytail and sit under a bonnet hair dryer for 40 minutes. I do the loose ponytail at the back, and then move it to the top half way through drying time. I do this because it helps my hair to dry all in the same direction rather than being scrunched and bent because of the cap. 
6. Set hair: When hair is dry, place in a modified pineapple and wrap hair with a scarf. To do a modified pineapple I start putting my hair in a pineapple, but I don't pull all the hair through, so it ends up looking like a bun. My hair is too long for a pineapple, it's mid-back length. So I don't actually wash my hair and go out, I stretch my hair overnight. In the morning I just take down my hair, shake it out, pin up the side, and I'm ready to go. Each night I just re-moisturize my hair with the glycerine mix, add S-Curl activator, and place in the pineapple bun again. I have started applying a bit of apricot kernal oil after moisturizing and it makes my hair so soft!

Here are some useful videos:

How to wash and go

How to wash and go (my texture is like this I think)

Wash and go with pink eco styler
Wash and go on long hair: Video 1 type 4 hair, Video 2.
Wash and go on 4c hair: Video3 no gel, Video 4.

Review of the different Eco Styler gels: Video 1, Video 2,

Tangle Teezer review: Video 1, unlike in the video, the Tangle Teezer just detangles my hair, it doesn't give me any curl definition at all. 

The Prep Pursuit

Hey Ladies,

Well ad you may have noticed, I haven't had time to make posts on this blog. I'm just really busy lately with work and trying to enjoy myself. I have also been reading tons of politics but I don't want to write about those things on the blog.

But I do have something for you today that could keep you learning how to be an elegant Black woman for hours! Perhaps on this blog or on YouTube, someone suggested the channel The Prep Pursuit but I never got around to checking it out. Well some of the videos showed up on my feed and they look like something you would all like. Check out a few of her videos below :)

How to make a great 1st impression

How to flirt with a gentleman

My thrift shop secrets

I Don't Like Issa Rae's New Show

I wish it wasn't so, but I don't like Insecure, Issa Rae's new HBO show. The show has gotten a lot of positive attention so I don't think this post will matter much (I am not trying to sabotage). I watched two episodes and I was so disappointed! I don't usually watch comedies because I prefer hour-long shows especially sci-fi, legal, medical, or superhero shows. But I took a leap to watch Insecure because a long time ago, I watched maybe 2 seasons of Awkward Black Girl, and I didn't hate it (from what I remember). I was also happy to see a Black woman succeed and do a show starring Black women. I am a big fan of Shonda Rhimes' shows, I watch Becoming Mary Jane, and I seek out shows with diversity and Black women. I really wanted to like the show and support Issa Rae, but other than having Black women, there was nothing I liked about the show.

First of all, in the episodes I watched, all of the music was rap music! The rap music was full of vulgar lyrics, curse words, and the n-word so for someone who hates that type of music, this was a huge strike. There was no variety in music at all. Even when it was a woman "singing" it was rap music. Every Black person doesn't like rap music! It wasn't even something tame, it sounded hard as hell!

Second, all the characters swore so much! I have watched many HBO shows, but I don't know, is it normal to have so much swearing? The women called each other b**** repeatedly! All the Black people constantly referred to Black men and even the women with the n-word, and I HATE the n-word! Is this how people really talk? Of course they also kept saying f*** and s*** too. I am not a hypocrite so if I condemn rap music for this sort of language I have to use the same standard for this show. The language is filthy for no good reason. Do they swear like this on Girls? I watched Sex and the City (because it was on all the time) and they definitely did not swear this much.

Third, the show did nothing to make Black women look appealing at all! We complain so much about how we are represented in the media by non-Black people. This lead to calls for Black women to represent themselves. Well Issa Rae was given so much support for creating a televised show and this is how she chose to represent Black women! Issa Rae's character appears pretty androgynous, hard, she raps in a vulgar way, she curses, she was cold to her boyfriend, and she was texting another guy. Her behaviour and appearance would only be attractive (as a friend or romantic partner) to a select group who are used to that. Compared to Black women in the mainstream (e.g., Gray's Anatomy, Scandal, Sleepy Hollow, etc.) she was hard as nails! Very unfeminine, not classy, not sweet, not nice, and not a woman to admire. Her friend was only slightly better in terms of feminine appearance but her speech was as bad as Issa's. Just think about the MANY shows with single women and how they compare to the women on Insecure--it's obvious that other shows make single women look appealing and feminine (e.g., GIRLFRIENDS!!! Friends, Gilmore Girls, New Girl, Gossip Girl, 90210, etc.).

If I wanted the world to appreciate the qualities of Black women and see us as just as good as other women, Insecure is the last thing they should watch. Even on the Walking Dead the Black women characters are more desirable and admirable! If I don't support negative images of Black women then I can not support this show because it makes Black women look awful. I can barely relate to the characters, I would not want to be friends with them, and we would not get along (my friends and I don't call each other b****). I'm not even mad about showing the best friend as a stereotypical single Black woman because single women finding love is a part of many dramas. But the friend came off as so hostile and angry, not sympathetic. I did not love the women on Sex and the City, but they had some class. Being Mary Jane is so much better at representing a single Black woman who is also desirable.

Fourth, I just didn't find it that funny. I thought Awkward Black Girl was funny, but I didn't find much humor in this show. There were no "jokes". I also liked that Awkward Black Girl had more multiculturalism but this show is just focused on Black women with Black men. I don't know if this changes later on or if they have a non-Black friend, but I just have a preference for multicultural shows. This one has an Asian woman, but the best friend is envious of her so it's not the same. I don't know, maybe it gets better but I was so disappointed. This reminds me of when I tried to listen to rap music while ignoring the n-word, cursing, violence, and misogyny because of the beat...what's the point of consuming something for entertainment it if I dislike so many parts of it? I won't consume or promote something that makes Black women look bad just because it supports someone Black. I just can't get behind something that makes Black women look bad. When I think about how HARSH some bloggers have been about how Black women were portrayed on other shows (e.g., Sleepy Hollow, Scandal, Person of Interest) I just can't excuse this because it's by a Black woman. So for any readers who want to see a show with feminine and desirable Black women that make us look good, skip Insecure and try Being Mary Jane instead.

Embed from Getty Images

To be fair, I'll post some reviews below so you can make your own choice (take note of the race of the authors and think about the types of roles that the mainstream celebrates as being "real"):

Is Insecure Preying on Black Women’s Insecurities?
Insecure Is Quietly Revolutionary
Issa Rae's 'Insecure' Isn't Niche—It's Just Never Been Done Before
Issa Rae talks ‘Insecure,’ stereotypes, and ‘bitch’ as a term of endearment
10 Reasons Not to Watch HBO’s Insecure by Issa Rae
Insecure lets black women watch ourselves on TV – at last
‘TV is full of black women fighting’: Issa Rae on kicking stereotypes into touch with her HBO comedy ‘Insecure’

My Fears for Black Women Under Trump

I have a lot a fears running through my head and maybe you do too. This post is just me getting those worries out. I know that I do not live in the US but I am concerned for Black women everywhere. I can't just cut off my concern because of geographical borders. Furthermore, the US has so much exposure and influence in the world that I will easily hear about anything affecting Black Americans, and I believe this influence has an effect on Black and non-Black people around the world.

I am a big science fiction fan and I always imagined the future being a place where people didn't care much about race because of increased integration, working, friend, and romantic relationships. Different cultures will not seem so "strange" and we will be able to understand and get along better. I was expecting and looking forward to this. Now for the first time I'm worried that things will not progress in this way but instead we will go backwards! I just didn't imagine that White people would fight so much against this and many of us were shocked by Brexit and this election. Below I will explain some of my worst fears. These things may not happen, but I want to write them down so at least we can be prepared rather than just being scared. Sometimes a bad situation is just a bad situation and there is nothing you can do. I will make some suggestions, they might not work 100%, but they could be better than nothing. The solutions may be extreme but it seems like these are extreme times.

1. Racism and hate crimes will increase with few repercussions: Racists have been emboldened by the US election and are being openly violent and racist. Hate groups are recruiting and even planning parades. White people seem to be fed up with being respectful and want the right to be racist. When they are called racist they are claiming that is discrimination against them! The new Attorney General has a racist history and is opposed to civil rights organizations. Because of this the legal system will probably go easy on perpetrators of hate crimes. We already know that the police are biased against Black folks so there will be little support from them. Also if you are discriminated against at work there will be little support for you. 
2. Racism and racists will be normalized: There are even academics and highly influential people arguing for open dialogue about racist statements and that shutting these discussions down is being closed minded! I predict that there will be more and more claims of reverse racism, normalizing of racist views, and pressure on Black folks to "listen" and try to "understand" people who think they are less than human (e.g., A&E even tried to air a KKK reality show that was cancelled!). Many White people believe in White supremacy and will do anything to disavow any responsibility, past or present, for harming people of colour (POC). They will insist on their superiority but then play the victim when their racism is pointed out. Talk about microagressions will be dismissed and only the most overt acts of racism will be validated. Members of Black Lives Matter (BLM) will no longer be tolerated and protests will be quashed. BLM may be labeled a hate group and their mostly female members will suffer. BW will be seen as mean and unfeminine if they stand up to racist WW.  
3. Affirmative action will be eliminated: White people hate affirmative action because they believe it gives opportunities to less qualified POC. They can not fathom that the POC is just as qualified or that there are ALWAYS more spaces for White people than for POC. White women are also the biggest beneficiaries of affirmative action so they are hurting themselves by opposing it (but as this election shows, they are willing to harm their own interests to support racism). Without affirmative action there will be fewer opportunities for Black people. If affirmative action is removed from higher education there will actually be an increase in Asian and international students because they have the highest grades and international students pay more. So White people will actually have fewer spots in schools unless the schools decide to be racist against Asian and international students. 
4. Diversity initiatives will be quashed: Many Black folks ask for inclusion in the media and in consumer products. These requests could be ignored even more. With affirmative action out, there will be less pressure to include Black faces in anything. We will have less representation. Accusations about lack of diversity will be ignored. Also, because the conservative government hates social programs, many government funded programs for Black people will be cut and that support will be gone. 
5. Sex education will be abstinence only: Conservative sex education will become the norm again and studies have shown that this actually leads to more teen pregnancies. The conservative government will also try to restrict abortion so there will be many more unwanted pregnancies resulting in more babies being placed in the foster care or adoption system. The government may also cut funding to these social programs when they will be needed more than ever. Single motherhood can often lead to poverty so there will be more poor families and mothers dropping out of school with less government support.
6. The prison industrial complex will grow: The police will be emboldened to arrest and harass more Black people because Trump supports that. That means more unarmed shootings, more arrests, and more prison time especially for Black men. All of the progress BLM has made may be undone, especially if police reforms required government funding. Private prison funding will be reinstated and they will be profitable again. More BM with criminal records will mean fewer job opportunities, resorting to crime, poverty, or living off women. This will also mean fewer suitable BM for marriage. These men will also be unable to provide for their children. Black women are more likely to be murdered than any other women (Article 1, Article 2). Men commit the most murders, women are most likely murdered by men they know, and BW know more BM. So the conclusion has been drawn that BM kill more of their women than non-Black men (this has been known for years). Poverty, a criminal background, bad role models, anger and frustration, and powerless can make men prone to this violence and BW are they most likely victims. Black women are also treated worse by the police and police are the only thing protecting BW from these violent men and dangerous neighborhoods.
7. Black women will have fewer dating options: Due to the previous point, more BM will have criminal records and be unsuitable partners. Also if more White men are converted into misogynist racists then many of them will not be options either. That leaves BW with even fewer potential mates. This may mean that BW have to open up their dating options even more. Lack of diversity initiatives and affirmative action will also impact dating. There will be fewer positive BW role models (e.g., Michelle Obama) to combat stereotypes or emulate in the media. White people may have even less exposure to Black people and this will not reduce fears. I don't know if increased racism will make BM appreciate BW more and actually stop chasing non-Black women. They may choose to continue what SOME do by having multiple women and children but never settling down. There will be even more pressure on BW to have sex in order to keep a man, more unwanted pregnancies, and more single mothers. 
8. The Black mortality rate will increase: If social programs and Obamacare are eliminated then more Black people will die. Black people have worse health indicators than other groups and get worse care. If social programs and Obamacare are reduced then we will die more from diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and even infant mortality will increase. 

My Advice: Keep your head down, avoid groups of White males, carry pepper spray, and be wary of White co-workers. You have to be on your best behaviour right now and I know that may not help 100% of the time, but I think this works most of the time. Don't make racial waves right now or they will be quick to ruin your life. Scapegoating will run rampant so protect yourself, document offenses and your contributions, keep your resume updated, and network for opportunities. Do your best work and decent people will recognize that above race. You can no longer assume that people you come across are not racist or that they agree with you about what's right or wrong. Many White people see themselves as victims because their "superiority" is not being rewarded and they think they "deserve" more than you do. Focus on fostering your self-care, physical, and mental health.

Try to create allies if you can because being the lone BW against the White majority will have you at a disadvantage. Vet White allies very well because they can back-stab easily. Convincing people not to be racist can make you appear as the villain if you cause White girl tears. Plus somehow calling people racists may make them more racist! (Article 2). Let other people be the warriors right now. Let the White feminists fight for women's rights (they dropped the ball for Hillary so they need to make up for it) and let Black men fight for racism. Protect yourself because no one else will do it. You need to be sympathetic to people and appear like a victim if you are victimized so people will feel compelled to help you. You be the one who cries and looks vulnerable so people will see your humanity. The strong warrior BLM stance will not work anymore. I don't know if anything will work other than duck and cover right now. Remember you will no longer have a president you supports you, many of his advisers are White supremacists, and the police support Trump. 

Broaden your dating pool and really put an effort into meeting a partner. You will have to work harder than other women. I know that sounds unfair but if you want what you want, sometimes you have to really work for it. So that means many dates (but hold out on sex until you get a commitment), online dating, singles events, and opening yourself up to interracial relationships. The truth is, Hillary won the popular vote by almost 3 million, so that that means that there are non-Black men who did not chose racism and misogyny. Dating White, Hispanic, or Asian come with the risk of racism, but dating Black is not risk free. A financially secure non-Black man may be the best for you. Just get to know the men to make sure they are not racist or dating you as an experiment. 

that's all I can think of for now.

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How Black Americans will survive the Donald Trump presidential administration

If Trump Wins: What Black Americans Will Need to Focus on in a President Trump America

17 Black Women Share Their Strategies On How To Survive A Trump Presidency

Strapped: Do Black Women Need Guns To Survive Trump’s America?

How to survive now that Donald Trump is president