Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Are Black Women Scary?

I just read a post on Beyond Black & White that made me think about whether anyone has reason to "fear" Black women. This is a difficult topic that might require a look in the mirror and actually LISTENING to what others are complaining about instead of instantly being defensive or accusing them of being racist, misogynist, or weak. "Fear" might not be fear of physical danger but fear of BW being different from other women they are used to or stereotypes of how women normally act. SOME of this fear might actually be based on experience. I doubt they are comparing BW to men so I'll just focus on women.

Comments on the site have already mentioned SOME women have attitude, are aggressive, emasculating, mean mug all day, and act very tough, Personally, BW I've known are quick to threaten to beat a child and they have. I've also seen BW strangers threaten to fight or call men to hurt others. Also, many online videos are really making BW look violent and ignorant. Come on, women on the site have talked about how other BW bullied and harassed them growing up so let's not pretend there aren't some hostile BW out there.

Some men who are not used to BW may treat them like other women and be shocked by the BWs reaction (e.g., she could flip out if you try to touch her hair, accuse Non-Black people of racism at any time). It's like non-BM need a read a manual to figure out how to get along with BW when they don't need one for other women. All of that is BAGGAGE that constantly rears it's head, interferes with relationships, and isn't there in other women. Sorry but being oppressed and abused is baggage and it is too much for some people to handle so they run away. Everyone doesn't know about your defense mechanisms and they can be scary, unpleasant, and confusing! This is because sometimes we "other" ourselves by acting so different from other women. That means others can not predict how you will react and that is scary to them. They aren't sure if you are "one of those angry Black women" until they talk to you.

Of course there are SOME WW who act tough, aggressive, and strange but people can think of many WW who are the complete opposite of that. It's harder for them to think of BW who are the complete opposite. Some people fear WW because of man-hating, claims that everything is sexist and needs to be changed (e.g., feminists), argumentativeness, emasculating, golddigging, taking all the money after divorce, materialism etc.. There are BM who fear WW because they could get hurt for messing with them (e.g., false rape claims anyone?). Plus they have the whole system on their side. Haven't heard of anyone fearing Asian women though.

I think that it would have been VERY helpful to ask men WHY they are fearful of BW because they may actually have reasons. I think I fear/am uncertain about a lot of people including BW. I fear how other BW will react to me because some (online especially) are quick to accuse you of being whitewashed, weak, not keeping it real etc. if you are not hard or crass like they are (the same goes for BM). I fear potential employers will not think I'm good enough, single men will not like me, or my peers will not like me too so I fear their negative comments and rejection. Sometimes I have the courage to face my fears but sometimes I really don't. I would just rather associate with people who accept and get along with me without fear or arguing. I like easy going people and SOME BW need to ask themselves if they are easy going of if they are constantly being militant, aggressive, mean looking, overly sensitive, or hard all the time.

Totally Unrelated Interesting Articles:
The most attractive women have the least casual sex
Revenge Porn: A dish best served by a disgruntled ex. Another post painting women as victims when it was their own irresponsibility and lack of foresight that got them into trouble. Apparently, women sent nude photos of themselves to boyfriends (yes digital photos that can be sent around the world in an instant!). Then when the relationships ended these men posted the photos online. Yes the men are betraying the women's trust and being horrible. I'm all for the sites being shut down...don't think they will succeed though because those photos may exist somewhere forever. The men are getting revenge and you gave them the perfect ammunition. Maybe you should give them your credit card and pin numbers too since you trust them so much.

The women put themselves into a position where the men had compromising photos of the women in digital form! Have these women not heard of all the nude photo scandals in the news that have ruined careers? Have they not seen how nude celebrity photos and tapes have been shown all over the Internet? Did these women not think about how nude photos could turn up and be seen by their parents, schools, peers, potential employers, and potential clients? These women should have thought ahead. NEVER take nude photos of yourself and NEVER send them to ANYONE over the internet. I could come back to haunt you!


  1. I just read the post as well as your reply. My first reaction was 'oh, do these men feel as if their masculinity is under attack?'
    Then I started to wonder if this reaction is the result of a negative campaign against BW. It's been round for years, sneaking into media with Shanaynay (remember Martin Lawrence?) first as the butt of the joke then reinforced and buttressed slowly but surely in various ways. Especially so with the advent of Youtube, etc.

    As I've heard, Nature abhors a vacuum. So if someone doesn't know any differently, then any old stereotype recently heard or half-heard from media will flow in to fill that space.

  2. You've made very good points, Elegance! While some of the fear may be based on media, we can't discount those men who have actually had negative encounters with some bw.

    Mary Ellen
    The Working Home Keeper

  3. Sad,but i can see how some black women can come
    Off as "scary".Alot has to do with self-esteem and self-hatred issues in my opinion.If you are constantly bombarded with negative images targeted at those of your ethnic background ,not to mention personal issues you may be facing. It can
    Make you into a very "angry" individual . I think many bw are unaware how they may come off because it's glorified as being a"strong black women".Being loud,aggressive,etc is there way of demanding respect from those around them because by societal standards they know they are at the bottom.
    We really need to work on that definition of a"strong
    black women".In my opinion being strong is to take the backseat at times,so to speak.knowing exactly when to voice our opinions,discipline etc and execute in a well manner.It is so easy for anyone to blurt on anything when angry,but it takes a strong well rounded person to think before they talk.

  4. Elegance,
    Yes, some black women take the visages they need to survive Blackistan with them to work and into their dealings with other people. Not a good look. Yes, certain people would like you to internalize the idea that you are less-than and should be happy with the less-tahn dregs that may surround you if you choose to remain in all black social circles. Your worthiness has NOTHING to do with all these other women. In my experience a man who is interested in you will do whatever he needs to do to find out of you are receptive. Having dated almost exclusively IR before I was married I never had any problems with men from all ethnic backgrounds inquiring about my availability for dating. And I worked with quite a few mean mugging bw. That is not the type of energy I projected then or now so people do not react to me in that way. Just" do you " and I guarantee you the rest will sort itself out. You are most definitely good enough, smart enough and more than qualified for everything you choose to do. You author this excellent, thoughtful , intelligent blog on top of everything else you do in your life. Place yourself in target rich environments and vet, vet, vet to your heart's content. You will be successful. Own your confidence young lady because you deserve it. You alone cannot collectively " save " these women. Does it hurt our brand? Yes. But by the same token it also makes you stand out much more because you don't fit the stereotype. I am most definitely NOT a strong black woman and I will not let anyone foist all that baggage on me.

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. This comment has been removed by the author.

  8. Yes this hurts our brand. This whole scary, loud, bitchy harpy/ ballbreaker image has painted black women and even black teenage girls into the tiniest corner for a long time now and it of course even rubs off on the black women and girls who never act like that sadly. But even though I have met some black women and teen girls with the wild snake-haired harpy behavior and tempers whom I didn't like at all, even I feel sorry for alot of them. I feel bad even for the ones who act that way whom I have never met.

    Because some of those black women come from the all too typical 'mean streets' in the enclaves of the black constructs where every situation was 'fight or flight' for them. They had to yell, scream, curse and put up their dukes against each other and against the men and boys in their area because as the decades rolled by their homes became more and more fatherless and as usual no black people want to call the cops on any black men and boys, not even on the most predatory ones.

    So no more girly, friendly, charming, pink, fluffy and frilly girlhood for those girls anymore after the age of about 8 (?), after a while it was about being as tough as nails and 'outmanning' the men because no one looked to protect black women and girls ever. Sadly old habits die hard for the ones who leave those streets who are not pregnant and who get accepted to universities as they feel like they have to 'outman' everybody that they come across and then it becomes a case of 'You can take the girl out of the ghetto...'.

    I have seen in the US and UK some gorgeous little black girls as giggly, bubbly, perky, happy and energetic with such beautiful spirits as wonderful and as worthy as any of the little white, Asian or Latina girls who act just like them and I wonder what terrible, life-changing moment has been happening in these little black girls' lives to cause such a divergence that made them leave their frilly pink and purple worlds so readily. It can't only be about preteen and teenage angst because some girls are naturally very girly and some will be the more tomboyish and sporty-ish ones.

  9. One culprit that makes little black girls from especially black working-class-turned underclass areas to leave all their super-girly memories and notions behind is because if a little black girl is from a large enough family and especially if she's the eldest child then the 'future mule academy' training starts rather early sadly! If she has a single parent mother raising her or a grandmother then this situation is almost definite. She becomes the crutch for the mother: useful, capable, reliable and handy for doing the chores and practically raising the siblings. Some of the girls have to sacrifice their wants and needs first most of the time and this 'mule academy' initiation can really cut into the childhood for some of the little black girls and really people cannot be too shocked when some of them get pregnant at a young age because they may have grown up looking around themselves and thinking that very young and single motherhood 'must be what real life's all about' for them.

    I remember before Rev. Lisa Vasquez's Black Women Blow The Trumpet think tank website went private 'by invitation only' she made a blog post about how she threw a 12 year old's birthday party for a black woman who was either far up in her 30s or her 40s because that particular black woman, her friend, never had her 12th birthday party and always wistfully longed for one. Rev. Lisa did say that this lady was very touched by that gesture. Re. Lisa said that the lady had two working class and hard working parents in the home but they had her muling away and doing everything in the house and had her taking care of the younger siblings while they were at work from a very early age.

    Rev. Lisa also said that this lady's parents told her around the time that she was turning 12 not to expect any parties to be held nor any big gifts because they were too busy working and they had no money for it anyway. OK both of those parents are poor and cash-strapped and they're busy slaving away and saving their pennies or putting it all straight away to their rent or mortgage but I remember what it was like to live in the US. What would it have cost them to get their daughter to invite all her friends out to a park where they can grab a free table that may even have a barbecue grill right by it while one of them grabs a box of Betty Crocker or Duncan Hines cake mix and frosting to make a cake? And when you're inviting people, especially kids, to a birthday party THEY all of those guests usually bring all the gifts? Hello!

    No one said that you have to be Rockefellers to be parents, let alone decent parents, but do you HAVE to stunt your daughter's childhood at every turn? Can you let a little bit of the sunshine into her life? You don't need to hit the lottery in order to do that.

  10. I look mean and hostile on the outside because I'm weak and fragile on the inside. I am sensitive, introverted, and easily frightened. I have no other way to defend myself other than a perpetual scowl and to feign arrogance.