Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Response to "Like Bees to Honey, Be Charming...It's Totally Easy and Well Worth it"

Update: I edited out the personal remarks and comments. I'm VERY irritated about it. Happy??? 
Ok breathe...think of kittens, soft cuddly kittens...think of cute guys in sweater vests...release the anger...don't hold a grudge......



This post is in response to a post on Beyond Black & White that I feel has a few contradictions I want to point out. The post I'm talking about is, Like Bees to Honey, Be Charming...It's Totally Easy and Well Worth it.

Let's start with the major contradiction of the article. The article is about being charming along with examples about how to be charming (e.g., using good manners, complimenting people, remembering people's names, talking about what interests them etc.)...yet in more than one paragraph the author talks about how one should always be themselves! If someone starts being charming then they are no longer being themselves, they are enacting the behaviours (e.g., using good manners, complimenting people, remembering people's names, talking about what interests them etc.) of someone who is more charming than they normally are!!! Here are some gems:
"Have you ever been in the company of a person that made you feel instantly at ease? You can’t quite put your finger on it, but its a pleasantness that certain people give off about themselves...Have you ever wondered what that was? And better yet, how can you become that person?" Then she goes on to say...
"Small subconscious cues work against you when you aren’t being yourself, and it isn’t so complicated to pick up on from those observing you. Now, instead of connecting with people, you have shown yourself to be insecure, reserved, and/or shady. I become apprehensive...When I meet a person who I can tell isn’t being themselves, I wonder what is it about themselves that makes them want to hide? Personal judgement of oneself can cause a person to ‘fake’ what they think is a more appropriate demeanor in order for them to be accepted...Who is willing to accept a person who does not first accept themselves??"
So you are giving advice to people about how to become a charming person and how this helps you to get along with others and at the same time telling them to not to change and just be themselves! Here are some statements that show the author has a double standard when it comes to judging people, 
"One of the most hurtful things that can happen to a person is for them to be suddenly judged by another. It makes one feel less than, inferior and out of place. Judgement can make a person feel as if they aren’t good enough, and it can shake their sense of self...Bias and disapproval from strangers which comes wrapped up in a neat package of subtle social cues can contribute to depression, self esteem and overall health.
Did you see it? The author says judging people can be very hurtful and harmful but previously she did exactly that! Now tell me, when the author said "you have shown yourself to be insecure, reserved, and/or shady. I become apprehensive...When I meet a person who I can tell isn’t being themselves, I wonder what is it about themselves that makes them want to hide?" was that not judgmental!!? So it's wrong to judge other people, well as long as they are being who YOU think is their real self. If you sense they are being unnatural in any way then judge away! Forget the idea that maybe they are trying hard to improve themselves or maybe they are just socially awkward. Nope, you are an expert judge of who strangers really are and if they don't conform to the way you think they should be then they must have low-self esteem or they are hiding something. In previous posts this author has come to the defense of BW who act hard and angry by explaining that it's their defense mechanism, we don't know the hardships they are going through, and we shouldn't judge...but in the case of people who are not being who she thinks is "their true selves" then they should be judged and she assumes they don't like themselves.

"People love nothing more than to talk about themselves. I don’t care what it is that you have to say, I’ll listen and do my best to engage you in the conversation. I won’t behave as if I’m bored, that’s rude and how would I feel if someone did that to me?" What happened to being "the real you" and if you are bored shouldn't you act bored or change the subject instead of being fake and acting like you are interested? People can tell if you're not interested.

On all of my posts I think I have been pretty consistent. Sometimes I throw in a "be yourself" to appease those who always complain about advice to improve themselves or act better. But really, if you have read any of my posts you know that I have no problem with people enacting new behaviours and mannerisms, making them a habit, and reinventing themselves as better people than they were before. In my opinion, you don't have to be yourself, especially around people you don't know or just met if it will hurt you in the long run. Being yourself is something you do with friends, family, and romantic partners and even then, you have to be nice (even if you don't want to) in order to keep them around. If you have good self-awareness then you will know things about yourself that are unpleasant and you can change those things instead of "keeping it real". If the real you is unpleasant, angry, mean, or self-loathing then by all means CHANGE! 


For instance, more than once on BB&W someone has written in about how much they don't like themselves or feel like they are unattractive...so what's this author's advice? Should these women continue to act like they hate themselves? Should the writer who said she feels ugly continue to act like she's ugly by avoiding eye contact with people, avoiding social events, hiding her face, shutting herself up in the house, and abandoning the idea that she will ever find someone to love her? NO!!! You try to improve yourself because that would benefit you more in the long run! You start doing things that you can be proud of to improve your self-esteem. You look for people who will appreciate you even if this is against your nature because this will make you feel better in the long run. You find out tips and techniques other women use to improve their looks and start using them so that you look better. If you don't change then nothing will change. No matter what you do, you will always be yourself. 

24 comments:

  1. Roflmao!!
    The very fact that this critic has an issue with "dem" just goes to show that people will see what they want. I can't bother to go there and enlighten anybody that in the Caribbean "dem"= them. Not "d*mn".
    Sometimes you just have to shrug stuff off.

    I can only cosign with you on this topic: My granny always used to say that you catch more flies with honey.
    Oekmama

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  2. You can discuss with people for ages about what personality is, and how it is affected by our biochemistry. The scientists are still out on this... Why are these ladies giving you a hard time over being charming? Giving someone a smile and a bit of undivided attention?

    If you smile, you improve your mood. If you smile at someone, you will most likely get a smile back. If you smile while on the phone, you sound more cheerful.

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    1. Oh I didn't write the BB&W article. This is my response to the contradictions in the article. I have no problem with people trying to be more charming, it's a good thing.

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  3. Can't you be yourself and be charming at the same time, assuming "yourself" isn't someone who displays those negatives qualities you listed? I think you can be a "charming" version of yourself, if you know what I mean? What's charm without a personality? It reminds me of America's Next Top Model where Tyra would drill into the models that they had to present themselves in the most model-like manner possible but still retain their personality i.e. what makes them an individual. If you strip away everything that makes you "you" and just take on attributes deemed acceptable by society, then you will just be a dull and un-entertaining person, which I think is even worse. I don't see why you couldn't have a balance of both: retaining your personality while still being "charming" at the same time.

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    1. It depends on the individual. If an individual is already nice and charming then it is not a big change to be more charming. But if you are a person who doesn't smile, doesn't care about what others think or what they are interested in, doesn't have good manners or care about them etc. then acting charming will be acting like someone other than yourself. Some people are charming and some are not, if those who are not start acting charming then how is that being their "real selves"?

      It depends on how far a stretch it would be for an individual to be charming.I also think that it is almost impossible to not let some of your real self show through so the advice to "just be yourself" is redundant. That's like telling someone not to think...you can't control it much at all.

      I usually tend to just skip the "just be yourself advice" because in my opinion, you are always yourself, no matter how different you act in different situations, your core self is always there and the same. The only thing that changes is how you relate to people in different situations. For example, if you are an introvert, but you talk a lot with friends or for work then you are still an introvert, you just act differently in particular situations. IF you are a kind person then you are still kind even when you are reprimanding someone or in an argument. Yes those things are inconsistent with being kind but sometimes you have to be inconsistent, that doesn't mean you are a totally different person.

      So I guess where I differ from the author is that I don't think it's very possible to be anything other than yourself so I don't bother judging people or assuming they are not being themselves. I don't think there is anything wrong with adopting more positive behaviours and I do not think that that's being fake or someone other than yourself. You learn new things, grow, and act in different ways with different people, in different situations, and at different ages, but there is a core component of who you are that doesn't change much. I guess it depends on how you view personality...it's almost a philosophical thing.

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    2. I think people just have different definitions of that charm is. Some folks think it is something external, and therefore 'fake' that you can put on. And that under the facade, everyone has the mean mug, but some are better at hiding it. I choose to believe that charm has to do with your focus.

      If I'm too focussed on myself- my boredom, my anger, my shyness, my discomfort - then I don't have time to open myself to others. You recommended a book on your wishlist "Better than Beauty" which mentions: charm is basically being kind and not causing discomfort.

      Oekmama

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  4. Whenever I read an advice section that says "Just be yourself" my first though is usually what a cop out! Seriously, if I am asking for help then obviously what I was doing before was not working.

    Also with advice like this, it really matters where the advice from coming from. Personally, I will not take advice from someone who does not practice what they preach. I would really like to read a post from you about charm in the future :)

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    1. "Whenever I read an advice section that says "Just be yourself" my first though is usually what a cop out! Seriously, if I am asking for help then obviously what I was doing before was not working."

      I KNOW! If someone is seeking to improve themselves then telling them to "just be yourself" does nothing. People seek advice about how to do things they don't know the answer to or things they aren't already doing. If the advice is just keep doing what you are doing and it will eventually work out fine, but otherwise that is just a cop out.

      Well I could write a lot of things...on my list :)

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  5. I didn't even read the article because the writer admits to what I'd consider an intense mental illness and naturally that would color the article.

    However as a womanist I'm happy that more BW content creators are on the bandwagon: Perk it up be charming. This blog and BWWOB for some time have been telling BW to get happy be charming dash the mean-mug.

    We're all on the same page that's the most important thing and I do think its bold of you to critique your fellow writer (BWW) I would not have the guts to do so.

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  6. I read BBW and I was wondering if you were going to bite when I saw that article posted up.

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    1. Lol, believe me, I was also shocked. Nut who knows, maybe she is trying to change or my bad encounter with her was on a bad day. But, in keeping with my beliefs, I won't engage with her on that site because it would just cause me stress and it won't help me in any way. She was writing for the site way before I came along.

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  10. Fine then, I'll take down the post. I'm getting irritated though by people expecting me to never have a negative thing to say about anything. Actually it pisses me off that people act like I'm supposed to let others just wall all over me and do nothing. Ladies stand up for themselves, I am not a doormat!!!! Whatever, moving on.

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  11. Wait- this here is YOUR forum. You don't have to edit a doggone thing for any soul that steps up in your blog home. Anyone that dare tells you to edit what you write needs to STEP.

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    1. I decided to edit and remember the character traits and things I wanted to work on (e.g., being kind, not holding a grudge, treating others the way I want to be treated etc.). Plus I will be writing in the same place as this author so I shouldn't write something that could flame things up again, since I don't want to get into arguments again anyway.

      I will try to take the high road and not take every chance I can to say something negative about the author. It's HARD! It's so hard trying to be a "better" person, it takes A LOT of self-restraint. If you don't like someone who has treated you badly you want to say negative things about them, but I guess it's unnecessary and not in line with the person I want to be. I won't attack in self-defense unless I am PRESENTLY being attacked or some injustice has been done. I had been avoiding her anyway because I didn't read or comment on the things she wrote. But then all of a sudden she wrote on a topic I would normally write about that seemed different from everything else she had written before.

      Being told to edit is annoying to me because this is my personal journal of my thoughts, the good and the bad. But...maybe it's best to just leave this author alone like the plague. I'll only write about her if she attacks me and I feel the need to defend myself.

      If she comes on one of my BB&W posts and acts up then I'm going to defend myself in as ladylike a manner as possible. I attempted to put up warnings on my posts there for people like her to stay away and then of course...people complained that the disclaimers made them feel unwelcome! I don't want her on my posts because she mentioned previously that she thinks "free for alls" are fine, I should expect it, and it's normal, and thinks debate (for no constructive purpose) is healthy or something. I think it just gets a bunch of people angry for no reason and makes commenting unpleasant for the people I want to reach.

      Anyways, Thanks Mrs. Glam but I did get a chance to vent my passive aggression but now it's time to reel it in and practice taking the higher ground. This is not being a doormat, it's just walking away from the negativity.

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    2. So long as you do it for YOU, and not because someone else told you that you should. I am all for editing your work because you want your writing to consistently reflect your ideals. I just don't ever want you to feel that you must edit your writing for your readers. I know you're an adult :) And you know what to do in your blog home! But if you feel that a person is toxic, and your writing can "agitate" and draw that toxicity to you, then editing makes sense. Much love to you!

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    3. I'm glad that you de cided not to edit/ delet the post. I admit I was confused: I thought it was your article. So I was a bit puzzled by the style. i still would very much like to read your thoughts on charm. Perhaps in a few weeks when things cool down a bit. In your house...

      Oekmama

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