A Black Woman Who Will Not Pathologize Herself

This is a follow-up from my previous post, "Freeing Myself from African American Cultural Limitations". I think that growing up I was freer in many ways. Yes I had self-esteem problems (still do), but that was based on my real-life experience and how I was being treated. I was free to like what I liked, be attracted to who I wanted, made friends with people of similar interests, and I was myself. If there was anything wrong with me I could see there was a problem because I was not happy or getting what I wanted. This made sense! This is how want to always think.

Unfortunately, opening myself up to African American history and online culture was eye-opening, sometimes enjoyable, illuminating, but I'm not sure if it has made me a better person. Maybe it has made me wiser because now I now what I don't have to be and what it important. Today it feels like I am back the way I was before in high school, when I was free, so I have come full circle. Was my venture into AA culture worth it or would I have been better off not venturing into that arena? Understand though, that my venturing did not involve physically living in the US, this great impact was made by simply reading texts, reading blogs, and interacting with people online! What you read can really affect your thinking.

So I am asking myself if all the reading I did made me better or worse as a person. Was I better off before I ventured into the AA section of the library and started reading? Was I better off when I wasn't reading about controversial AA issues and activism? Online people would always say "know your history" but was I studying my history, or was it really someone else's history that I read because I could not find my own? Well I guess like any sort of experience or study this experience has changed me. I know about things I did not pay attention to before. Instead of thinking, 'I don't know anything about that' I can now think, 'I've heard about that' or 'I remember when something similar happened before'. So I guess I can value that lack of complete ignorance.

But this knowledge came with a negative side effect, It made me feel like a victim, like I had been wronged, life was going to be bad for me, I was disadvantaged, people hate me, people in my life are going to betray me because I'm Black, I'm unattractive, there is something wrong with me and I didn't know it, and I should always be angry. It's as though I was feeling okay and then found out I had a horrible disease I didn't realize I had:

• I was told all the horrible symptoms I had never noticed and had never interfered with my life. 
• I was told this disease was the cause of all my life problems. 
• The disease was incurable. 
• I had to get it under control before I spread it to my future children.
• This disease will destroy the Black race.
• And guess what, the disease was given to me by White people through slavery, racism, and discrimination! So suddenly I had a horrible incurable disease, purposefully given to me by "The Man", that had a host of symptoms (that were supposedly already hurting me or would hurt me sooner or later).

Fortunately, there was a cure pedaled by many a charlatan (perhaps well meaning). They were so helpful in pointing out my symptoms and telling me then and there to take my medicine before it was too late! The cures was the following:

• Being hypervigillant about everything The Man did and constantly see myself as a victim. This included complaining and being outraged about past horrific deeds (because they are having an impact on the present) and being outraged by everything overtly racist. In order to do this I had to constantly expose myself to the most horrible things in history and the news. Doing otherwise would mean I was being ignorant, ignoring my history, being a passive part of the problem, or not caring. 
• Suspecting racism and a slight everywhere. I had to be offended and angry when The Man did not include dark-skinned Black women in the media. I also had to be offended if those women were fat, unmarried, adulterous, not chosen by the lead character, or were flawed in any way. I had to be angry if Black women were not on runways for White designers, leading more White-owned companies, in more commercials for White-owned companies, leading more White produced written shows, leading more White produced and written movies, winning more White- created awards. I had to be angry they didn't include BW because that was racist. I had to be constantly angry Black people didn't own more or have more power.
• I had to be offended if The Man did or said anything negative about Black men. It didn't matter the circumstances or what the Black men did because racism against Black men was racism against all Black people (solidarity right?). I had to be concerned about the Prison Industrial Complex and men (who often made neighborhoods dangerous and victimized Black women) were getting long prison sentences for crimes they actually committed. It could happen to my brother or my father so I had to be mad in solidarity. I had to excuse their misdeeds or questionable choices because they are just victims of The Man.
• I had to question every choice I made and every preference I had because being brainwashed accelerated the disease. I had to make sure my preferences for my hair, make-up, the attractiveness of women, the attractiveness of men, fashion, music, television, books, and activities were "Black". My preferences for education, speaking a certain way, marriage, children in wedlock, and interracial dating were all signs that I was brainwashed and a horrible prognosis. This meant choosing the Blackest of Black everything. I had to prefer the darker actress who was darker than myself, I had to prefer the hair with no curl pattern when I have coils, I had to prefer the shows/films with dark skinned actresses who where married, I had to choose African or AA clothing, I had to prefer hip hop or R&B etc. Before making any choice I had to ask myself , "How will this impact the Black community?"; "Am I doing this because I have been brainwashed by the Eurocentric media?"; "Is this a sign of self-hatred?". Depending on the answers I could feel good about my choice or chastise myself for helping The Man cause my own destruction and the destruction of my entire race.

The thing that was left out of this pathological situation was was the evidence that there was a disease in the first place, that any of the so-called symptoms were harmful, or that any of the cures worked!!! I was happier the way I was before I got involved in any of this. Was this anger, knowledge, and constant self- and other-monitoring beneficial to me in any way? Was it beneficial to anyone at all? Was this going to make my life happier, stop me from getting hurt, further my career, help me make friends and get dates, improve my health? Why should I have done any of this crap to live up to someone else's ideal of what a Black person should be? People complain that the White media pathologizes Blackness, but I think the opinionated/activist AA community pathologized me and is doing so to many others! They are constantly telling us we are doing life/Blackness wrong and making us feel guilty for just living! I am not diseased/brainwashed because I want to be free to be an individual and not live by some arbitrary "True Blackness" rules. I will not be in danger if I don't live by those rules or pay attention to any of the things they way so-called Blackness experts/activists say I should. Peddle you snake oil somewhere else because you are not qualified to diagnose me and there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have inoculated myself from your influence.

Freeing Myself From African American Cultural Limitations

Note: This post will make some readers angry if they choose to misunderstand and if they think their culture should be placed above the cultures of Black people who don't live in the USA.This is not about having pride in your culture, it's about understanding that all Black people don't think or act like you nor do they need to and embracing your culture could make their lives worse not better.

I think that from now on I need to be very critical of any theories, ideas, or culture that comes from AA people in the US because they are based on the lives, experiences, and reasoning of people who grew up in different environments different from the one in which I grew up. AA isn't the same as Black woman in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, or the same as growing up Black in any other country in the world. But for too long I (and many others) have been taking AA theories about what it means to be Black and AA culture and acting as though these socially constructed ideas should be adopted by Black people across the globe.

Even many AA people have written so much online about how they feel limited, stereotyped, and judged because of what other AA people say they are supposed to act and think. Why are we not free to be what we want to be? Why are we not free to choose from all ideas presented to us? Who decided what AA culture is and how they should act? Why should Black people in other cultures be expected to act and think like AA people? Why do so many people equate AA theories and culture with "Black culture"? Here are some of my thoughts.

1. Who created most modern Black thought in North America and should their writings apply to me? AA men wrote extensively about race (e.g., Frederick Douglas, WEB Dubois, Malcolm X etc.). These writings have been read by Black people in the US and even taught in classes. Black (and non-Black) people around the world have read these works. These men and many scholars (who are mostly men), shaped the way the world sees the Black experience but for them the Black experience is the African American Male experience! Do their theories and experiences apply well to AA women, Black women in other countries like me, or African women? Many of us have heard the saying "All the women are White and all the Blacks are men", well this is the case for many of the race theories I and many others have read. They are based on the reasoning of AA males of the past. Do these theories apply to a Canadian Black woman in 2014? Do their theories apply to you as a modern AA woman? Should be be relying on old writings and theories or should we be using updated theories based on modern evidence?
My Decision: I have decided to free myself from these old AA writings and ideas and probably most modern AA ideas about race. These theories colour the way people see the world and interpret things but they are theories that are biased, they are not facts. I do not think paying attention to these theories have helped me succeed in life and instead they made me suspicious, paranoid, and angry. These theories did not protect me from being harmed or help me so I choose to forget them. I am free to base things on my experience instead of being burdened with fear and feeling like I have been a victim my entire life. When I read these theories in the past and when I hear them now I do not have productive or helpful thoughts or feelings so I will stop exposing myself to them. I've heard enough and now it's time to focus on things that will actually help my life.  

2. Who decided what "acting White" and "acting Black" was and should this apply to me? In my opinion, it's AA males who decided what it means to be Black and this has spread around the world. But there is some historical White racism mixed up in there and some of what AA males decided is based on a reaction to this. Unfortunately modern AA males have decided to embrace some of the racist stereotypes and defined blackness as the opposite of their definition whiteness! In the past things like reading, doing well in school, being well mannered, dressing neatly, speaking well, working a respectable job were not labeled "acting White", these where just things people did. But nowadays, if an AA person does these things they are sometimes teased for "acting White". It has happened to me in Canada a few times when I was told I was practically White by a White person because I wasn't loud and ghetto a decade ago or when people are surprised I don't like R&B and hip hop. But in Canada I don't recall anyone saying that my doing well in school or getting an advanced degree was "acting White" and I remember reading a statistic years ago saying Black women are more likely to have a university degree than all other groups (not sure if this is still true). I recently read a similar statistic about AA women. So I wonder why are Black women letting AA men define what it means to be Black? Why are you letting them define you? Is there a better definition that would serve your needs and goals better?
My Decision: I am going to be extra vigilant to eliminate all ideas I have about "acting White" and "acting Black" and I will act however I feel comfortable and prefer whatever appeals to me. I will no longer pay attention to AA trends, art, music, ideas, style etc. over non-AA trends, art, music, ideas, or style. I will be open to ideas, think about the source and intended audience, evaluate the merits of the idea, and decide if it will enhance my life or not. I will have my personal goals and will not let race factor into those goals. I am not trying to live up to any expectations for what AA culture says a Black woman should be. I will try to be a great woman period. I will not pay attention to AA theories that race needs to be recognized and discussed all the time in order to prevent racism. I will discuss it when I feel like it and not because I feel pressured to do so. I want to be seen as a unique individual person not a Black woman stereotype.

3. Who is free and who is brainwashed? This is one thing that I have really struggled with. I am so sick and tired of people trying to shape me and telling me if I believe one thing or act in one way then I am brainwashed or part of the problem; but if I think differently or act in a different way then I've stepped out of the matrix and I'm free. I know I have only so much power and there are others who have way more. I don't want to spend my free time thinking about how powerless I am and being angry at people or the system. This means I will not question my preferences any more! These are the following preferences I will no longer feel guilty about:

• I will date who I am attracted to and will not question whether Eurocentric society has shaped my dating preferences.
• I will not feel guilty about disliking the shrinkage in my natural hair and preferring to wear my hair stretched. Some natural women online are acting like it's self-hatred to prefer your hair stretched but I'm done listening to them.
• I will not feel guilty about preferring long hair on myself and other women. I think it looks better. I don't like Lupita Nyongo's hair and I think she would look better if she grew it out. It's my preference and I don't care where it comes from. 
• I will not feel guilty about thinking a light-skinned or non-Black woman is attractive. I will not go on a smear campaign against any women in order to make dark-skinned Black women feel better. If you have great features you are beautiful regardless of your skin colour. I will not beat myself up or try to rationalize my preferences into something else out of fear I've been brainwashed. I like what I like case closed.
• I will not feel guilty about watching television. I will watch whatever I want for whatever reason I want. 
• I will not feel guilty about the music I like. I will not like something just because Black people made it or because it is popular. 
• I will not support something just because it involves a Black person. I will not support something just because it is popular (i.e., all the White people are doing it). I will support something if I believe in the cause. 

My Decision: I am aiming to have my needs met and achieve my goals and I have decided to be satisfied with that. I am not on a journey to change the world or overthrow anything and if that makes me part of the problem then so be it. If this means I'm a follower and part of the system so be it. I'm making a choice to fight for my needs and goals and what I choose to fight for instead of being shamed into fighting for other people's causes. I will support something if I choose to not out of fear or irrational guilt. Most importantly, I will no longer pathologize myself based on my choices or preferences. I will not pay attention to any Willie Lynch, it started with slavery, Eurocentric beauty standard, etc. articles or arguments because I've heard them and want to move on. I am fed up with articles and news stories questioning if something is normal or not. As long as my needs and goals are being met I don't care about being normal anymore, I can be unique or unusual.

If anyone can relate to this post, great, if not oh well. It's me figuring out what bothers me and eliminating that thinking from my mind. For most of my life I have been free of these thoughts and I want to go back to that time. Instead I want to focus on ways I can improve my life and feel better about myself. Focusing on the things listed above just created mental turmoil for me so I am throwing them to the side. I am free of the restriction I previously felt pressured to adhere to because I am Black. I am free.