I haven't written here in ages. I still love femininity and believe most of what I previously wrote on this blog. But in the past few years my view of men and marriage has dramatically changed. I have to admit, part of the reason for this change was actually the Me Too movement.
What happened you ask? Well all of a sudden high profile men, some who I thought were "nice", turned out to be horrible brutes. So many women were victims. I started to reflect on how men have treated me, including men in my own family. In the past, maybe I blamed myself for certain things but really, many men hurt me and treated me like I was simply there to serve their needs and desires and they didn't care about me. I have written about these things in the before, but Me Too finally woke me up to some hard realizations and things I had been denying.
1) I had been basing my self-worth on whether or not a man chose me and loved me. I started to question my unconscious beliefs. It was like somehow, I couldn't be that bad if some man loved me. But who is he to decide my worth? How could my worth and value be based on whether some man wanted to sleep with me or we got along? What was so great about him that made his opinion and feelings so important? If a mean, mentally ill, cheating, unattractive, or boring woman had a man then why did that mean she had more worth than me? I really never questioned these things before.
It's really shocking when you decide to stop dating and realize that so many daily choices were related to what men would think or want (e.g., shave your legs, wear your hair down, don't get big muscles, don't have a lot of sex partners, don't get too busy, etc). Many negative thoughts I had about my looks boiled down to "a man wouldn't like that". Women have been raised from birth to think about what their future partner would want, but men are never told, "Improve your looks, learn auto mechanics, excel at martial arts or else no woman would want you." No, they just do what they like. I want to be free to be who I want and not care if men approve.
2) Men cheat and abuse, even the "nice ones". It seems like a lot of men (not all) just want a woman as a sex doll and maid. Some ugly pos like Harvey Weinstein has a successful business, a beautiful wife, and the whole time he's raping and ruining women's lives! How dare they do this to us! As soon as he was caught his wife left him. I don't know if she knew anything, but was the money, his personality, or whatever worth it to be with the likes of him??? Are men worth it? This is all my personal opinion, but all I see are potential drawbacks of being married and I think the positives are all short-lived or fairy-tales from romantic comedies. Look at Bill Cosby, Matt Lauer, Kevin Spacey, James Franco, I mean just look at this list from Vox of offenders! Many of these are married men who were respected and trusted! We let men dictate what's attractive and let the freaking patriarchy tell us from birth that our purpose is to be acceptable to men like this and I'm done with that! I know these are celebrities, but imagine what the non-famous men are doing. All I have to do is remember what they have done to me already. That fairy-tale of men being faithful was shattered because now we know, even the "nice" ones could be cheating or abusing others.
3) Men expect you to be a maid. Study after study has shown that men don't pull their weight with household chores, so my life would be easier and cleaner without one messing up my home and expecting me to clean up after him. If I work just as much as a man, why should I be doing more housework. I cringe wherever I hear a man ask a women if she can cook. You don't even know if you like each other and you're already imaging her serving you food? When I think of marriage I just imagine more housework and arguments about housework.
4) I have never needed men for protection. In all my years, I've never needed a man to protect me from physical danger. Why put up with being a maid and doing other disgusting physical things for a man for the slim chance that maybe one day his presence will stop an attacker. Is it really worth it? Plus, if a woman is ever assaulted or murdered, it is most often their romantic partner? So you are actually safer if you are not in a relationship with a man!
5) Even great relationships can end in horrible divorces. I plan on having kids alone. I will love my kids forever, but romantic love can fade. What if a divorce happens and the man tries to take my kids? I have also heard too many stories of men turning horrible and abusive to their exes and not pulling their weight with kids after divorce. I have enough income to support myself and a kid, and my income will increase in the future. Why ruin a good thing with the stress and physical risk of trying to have a relationship with a man? Why not just have my kids through a sperm bank or adoption and cut the man out of the equation?
6) There's not much that a man can give me that a good friend can't. If I want to go out and have fun I can do that with a friend, I don't have to sleep with him. I don't need to sleep with men at all because they don't even give me orgasms, and even if they did, it still doesn't seem worth it. I could see marriage being great if the man is like your best friend and you actually enjoy each other all the time. But I'm an introvert and I don't enjoy anyone all the time. If I don't have a lot in common with the guy and he likes to do things I don't, it will get tedious pretty fast because we won't be doing much together (e.g., I don't like to travel or play or watch sports, and I don't like hip hop so this rules out a lot of men). I can only imagine being with a man who had the same interests as me, but even then there are still the issues I have already listed above. It really seems impossible that I will find a man who isn't abusive in any way, does his share of household chores, gets along with me like a best friend, and that things won't end with him cheating and a divorce. Plus, I have to be attracted to him and he has to earn enough to support a family (I have a career to support a family too). I just don't think it's possible for me and I don't want to risk what I have for the possibility.
7) I feel 10 times better since I giving up finding a man. I think this means something. No more online dating, rude sexual questions, men trying to trick me into bed, going across town to meet someone in the cold, spending hours getting ready, worrying about ticking clocks etc. It all stopped. I am free to do whatever I want! I can work on hobbies and learn things that I value. I don't have to make myself available when it suits a man. I don't have to deal with them wanting to sleep with me before they decide if they are even looking for a relationship. No more! Everyone is different and this is the best choice for me right now. No one has to get married if they can support themselves and feel happier without a man. I don't believe my reason for existing is to satisfy some man and be his servant. It's not the life for me.
So ladies, I don't know what the future will hold. Maybe I'll meet the right man and change my mind, but if not, I'll definitely be okay. I know I have worth and I like myself, and I really don't care what any man has to say on the matter! Good luck ladies, I wish you all the best and that all of your dreams come true!
xoxoxo,
Luv
Elegance
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